Kimothy's A: Let's get personal here people. I'm not one of those teenage girls that has gone around telling every boyfriend I've ever had that I was in love with them. I knew from a young age that the "love" I felt wasn't actually "love" it was infatuation or obsession, etc. I have told one boy (in a romantic sense) that I loved him in the 7th grade and as a senior in high school, I still do. This person and I have had our struggles and ups-and-downs over the course of our relationship. This past summer, after having not even spoken to each other for almost 6 months after one of our many break-ups, B (as I will refer to him as) and I decided to try things out one more time before he went to college. Well, considering the fact that I'm single now I'm sure you can guess how that ended. If you can't guess, it ended miserably two days before he moved. I told him when he left that we shouldn't see each other, we shouldn't text, we shouldn't Skype and we shouldn't talk to each other on the phone. I wanted to flush him out of my system like a bad stomach virus. Turns out this stomach virus was the most painful thing I've ever had. Sometimes I honestly felt sick to my stomach when I realized I couldn't talk to him. I had to fight off so many urges to text him just to chat or call him when I wanted to hear his voice. Instead, I would call my best friend Emily and she would just pretend to be him for me. Winter break for college students started a lot earlier than high school winter breaks and B was in Lexington for almost a month. Knowing he was just a short drive from my house was hard enough as it was until I started running into him everywhere. Needless to say, he texted me again over break and we started hanging out everyday like we used to. The day before he left I told him I was considering going to the college that he goes to (and not by any means would I make that decision based on his location; I'm not an idiotic, love-struck teenager). B decided to stop talking to me again because he didn't want to sway my decision on college. So, now I'm alone. At this point in my story you might be wondering why exactly I'm telling you all this. I told you a mashed-up, small version of what our relationship has been like for only one year (that's one year out of six, mind you.) What I'm trying to say is this: there is no controlling the desire to love someone when what you really feel is love. It doesn't matter if you're perfect for each other and he's wonderful or you fight constantly and he's a trouble-maker. My relationship with B is not healthy and it is obviously not stable. In fact, our relationship as it has been the past few years has probably been more bad than good for me. He lives three hours away from here and as of most of this year and last year, we haven't really spoken to each other all that much either, and the sad part is I'm still in love with him. If tomorrow I opened my front door and he was standing on my doorstep begging me to take him back, it would take him a total of five seconds to win me over. I can make myself not talk to him, I can delete all his pictures, I can hide all his sweatshirts, I can erase his number from my phone, but none of those things can erase him from my memory nor can they erase him from my heart. Unfortunately, he's like a tattoo I just can't get rid of. When you really love someone, and I mean REALLY love someone, there is no way to control the desire to love them, no matter how unstable, unhealthy or dangerous your relationship with them is.
Our song:
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